I'm a Chauvanist and I Know It!

Ok, now I watch a lot of sports, you can ask my girlfriend, as I do not see her in the fall... (Because of Football) And there has been something that has bee irking me quite a bit. Now do not get me wrong, I am all for the ladies, I love them, but c'mon, if you are so fat that you are about to pop, cover up and get off the camera...

I do not know what her name is, but she could have easily gone directly into labor on Tuesday during the All-Star Baseball Game. I was watching this game with a bunch of friends, and we were all just unbelieveably distraught about this...

Now I kept quiet when they started putting female sideline reporters on the field, after all, SOME knew some actual facts about the sport... but then again, some DID NOT, and even called the players/coaches the wrong name, and asked stupid questions... And I did not care, because they were at least eye candy... Look at the percentages of people that watch sports, mostly men, and we like eye candy... We don't want to see some hussy that is fat and annoying because she is scared to lose her job, showing her mothering jugs on TV... But that is not all... who the hell was this guy with the the ugly ass suit and the dick broom? He did not even sound like he knew what baseball was...

But back to my point... I forgot who they were interviewing, but it was at the beginning of the game, and he was talking, and she... the fat lady... interrupted him, and said "I bet there is a lot to talk about" and moved the story on, going to some freaking commercial or something... But she was not even nice about it...

So ESPN, Fox, NBC, CBS, whomever else, please from now on, put eye candy up there, we are interested in the game... and that fat chick just annoyed me... I hope she loses her job... slut... Have a great day all!!!

The American Dream is a Boot...

I am a 27 year old that has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Obviously, I wanted to become a rock star, and I am in a band, but no one in the band plays any instruments, even though we all own them... So I believe that we will not make it, plus I'm fat... lead singers have to be good looking. So that dream is over...

I hate my job, sales. So one day, I left the office early, at about 10 am, and went home to sulk about my horrible life. Until my best friend came up with an idea... He says: "dude, I know that you are in a horrible mood, do you want to borrow my zoo pass, and go look at the monkeys?"

I think about this for about 10 seconds, and say, enthusiastically: "Yes, yes I do want to go look at monkeys!"

Now obviously not many people come up with this solution for depression, but it will now be my advice to anyone that hates their life. So you, standing on a bridge/building, looking over the edge, go to the zoo.

To get ready for the zoo, I select a few objects... and since I have not been to the zoo for a while, I want to make this a great experience... shorts (I have to take off my suit, it is freaking hot here in Texas), check.... Moleskine (to write about the American Dream), check... IPOD (So I do not have to talk to anyone), check... Sunglasses (so no one can see my glazed eyes), check...

You see, I wanted to spend the afternoon, just listening to music, writing, and just hang out at the zoo, and since I was depressed, and looking for direction in my life, that is why I wrote about the American Dream. Or at least what it is to me...

So if you want to know what the American Dream is, keep reading

American Dream: Do something that you love, get paid lots of money to do it, get laid, and drive a fast car. Simply put, yes? Unfortunately, I won't get paid lots of money to do what I want to do, which is listen to music, watch monkey's, and travel... in fact, those all cost money.

So I sit here, watching the White Cheeked Gibbon, and I figure out what the American Dream is for him... To play with a boot. That is all he has been doing for 30 minutes... and he looks so freaking happy... I want a boot...

I need to stop drinking...

Being in the Left Lane, Stuck Behind a Fucking Minivan

It all started at 7:30 am in front of the Starbucks at Mockingbird Station... I was outside having a smoke with the Guy who works the cash register, talking about coffee, when along comes Laura in all her glory! Don't get me wrong, a super sweet lady... just do not talk to her...

When I say "Glory", I mean "Redness". Red hair, red lipstick, red earings, red blush, red necklaces, with a red shirt, red socks, and red shoes to accent the bright red jump suit. I don't know if she meant to, but she even had the red lipstick all over her teeth. Did I mention that she loved to talk! Not many people are here at this time, my car is up front, and I get stuck in a conversation about cars. Now dont' get me wrong, I am no vehicle know-it-all, but I know a thing or two about cars, DEFINATELY more than Laura, at least I can pronounce "Audi", as she talked about my "Otti". She said that she knew "because of the symbol on the front." (OOOO -- intertwining) Then, she proceeded to name all the cars in the parking lot, as well as a couple others as she got some of the cars wrong and we had to discuss the car that she said and why she made the mistake...

So after about 20 minutes , and a HI-5 offered, by Laura, to the manager that I was talking to, for "Great Coffee". We return insid. I proceed to my table, put my headphones back on, and continue to finish my writing. And dear old Laura goes to the table that the only other patron is at, and proceeds to talk to him about the newspaper he is reading. Now this guy is nice, and he lasted 10 minutes... I had obviously taken off the headphones, and was easily able to catch that she is all dressed up to go get her drivers liscense...

My stomach drops, my knees begin to tremble. What the hell did this old lady say? Please O' Merciful Lord, tell me it's not true!!!

Now again, I have nothing against old people, I think that they are sweet, and when you lick them, they taste of peach cobbler. I just am under the idea that they just should not drive... It's just plain dangerous!

I can just see it now, Laura in her cadillac leaning out the window trying to talk to the car that is passing her because she is going to slow, swerving all over the road.

But unfortunately, I found out the truth... later that day, somehow, someway that is beyond my comprehension, I see Laura again... This time ON 75, she is in front of me, I am late, and I can't get around. I hate being in the left lane, stuck behind a fucking minivan...

PS. now I hate old people too...