Back at it.

 Welcome back, everyone.  I know that y'all have been eagerly awaiting my return to blogging since my viral post about being in the left lane "behind a fucking minivan".  

The same shit keeps happening, thanks Dallas.  

Stay tuned.  If you know, you know.  

I'm a Chauvanist and I Know It!

Ok, now I watch a lot of sports, you can ask my girlfriend, as I do not see her in the fall... (Because of Football) And there has been something that has bee irking me quite a bit. Now do not get me wrong, I am all for the ladies, I love them, but c'mon, if you are so fat that you are about to pop, cover up and get off the camera...

I do not know what her name is, but she could have easily gone directly into labor on Tuesday during the All-Star Baseball Game. I was watching this game with a bunch of friends, and we were all just unbelieveably distraught about this...

Now I kept quiet when they started putting female sideline reporters on the field, after all, SOME knew some actual facts about the sport... but then again, some DID NOT, and even called the players/coaches the wrong name, and asked stupid questions... And I did not care, because they were at least eye candy... Look at the percentages of people that watch sports, mostly men, and we like eye candy... We don't want to see some hussy that is fat and annoying because she is scared to lose her job, showing her mothering jugs on TV... But that is not all... who the hell was this guy with the the ugly ass suit and the dick broom? He did not even sound like he knew what baseball was...

But back to my point... I forgot who they were interviewing, but it was at the beginning of the game, and he was talking, and she... the fat lady... interrupted him, and said "I bet there is a lot to talk about" and moved the story on, going to some freaking commercial or something... But she was not even nice about it...

So ESPN, Fox, NBC, CBS, whomever else, please from now on, put eye candy up there, we are interested in the game... and that fat chick just annoyed me... I hope she loses her job... slut... Have a great day all!!!

The American Dream is a Boot...

I am a 27 year old that has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Obviously, I wanted to become a rock star, and I am in a band, but no one in the band plays any instruments, even though we all own them... So I believe that we will not make it, plus I'm fat... lead singers have to be good looking. So that dream is over...

I hate my job, sales. So one day, I left the office early, at about 10 am, and went home to sulk about my horrible life. Until my best friend came up with an idea... He says: "dude, I know that you are in a horrible mood, do you want to borrow my zoo pass, and go look at the monkeys?"

I think about this for about 10 seconds, and say, enthusiastically: "Yes, yes I do want to go look at monkeys!"

Now obviously not many people come up with this solution for depression, but it will now be my advice to anyone that hates their life. So you, standing on a bridge/building, looking over the edge, go to the zoo.

To get ready for the zoo, I select a few objects... and since I have not been to the zoo for a while, I want to make this a great experience... shorts (I have to take off my suit, it is freaking hot here in Texas), check.... Moleskine (to write about the American Dream), check... IPOD (So I do not have to talk to anyone), check... Sunglasses (so no one can see my glazed eyes), check...

You see, I wanted to spend the afternoon, just listening to music, writing, and just hang out at the zoo, and since I was depressed, and looking for direction in my life, that is why I wrote about the American Dream. Or at least what it is to me...

So if you want to know what the American Dream is, keep reading

American Dream: Do something that you love, get paid lots of money to do it, get laid, and drive a fast car. Simply put, yes? Unfortunately, I won't get paid lots of money to do what I want to do, which is listen to music, watch monkey's, and travel... in fact, those all cost money.

So I sit here, watching the White Cheeked Gibbon, and I figure out what the American Dream is for him... To play with a boot. That is all he has been doing for 30 minutes... and he looks so freaking happy... I want a boot...

I need to stop drinking...

Being in the Left Lane, Stuck Behind a Fucking Minivan

It all started at 7:30 am in front of the Starbucks at Mockingbird Station... I was outside having a smoke with the Guy who works the cash register, talking about coffee, when along comes Laura in all her glory! Don't get me wrong, a super sweet lady... just do not talk to her...

When I say "Glory", I mean "Redness". Red hair, red lipstick, red earings, red blush, red necklaces, with a red shirt, red socks, and red shoes to accent the bright red jump suit. I don't know if she meant to, but she even had the red lipstick all over her teeth. Did I mention that she loved to talk! Not many people are here at this time, my car is up front, and I get stuck in a conversation about cars. Now dont' get me wrong, I am no vehicle know-it-all, but I know a thing or two about cars, DEFINATELY more than Laura, at least I can pronounce "Audi", as she talked about my "Otti". She said that she knew "because of the symbol on the front." (OOOO -- intertwining) Then, she proceeded to name all the cars in the parking lot, as well as a couple others as she got some of the cars wrong and we had to discuss the car that she said and why she made the mistake...

So after about 20 minutes , and a HI-5 offered, by Laura, to the manager that I was talking to, for "Great Coffee". We return insid. I proceed to my table, put my headphones back on, and continue to finish my writing. And dear old Laura goes to the table that the only other patron is at, and proceeds to talk to him about the newspaper he is reading. Now this guy is nice, and he lasted 10 minutes... I had obviously taken off the headphones, and was easily able to catch that she is all dressed up to go get her drivers liscense...

My stomach drops, my knees begin to tremble. What the hell did this old lady say? Please O' Merciful Lord, tell me it's not true!!!

Now again, I have nothing against old people, I think that they are sweet, and when you lick them, they taste of peach cobbler. I just am under the idea that they just should not drive... It's just plain dangerous!

I can just see it now, Laura in her cadillac leaning out the window trying to talk to the car that is passing her because she is going to slow, swerving all over the road.

But unfortunately, I found out the truth... later that day, somehow, someway that is beyond my comprehension, I see Laura again... This time ON 75, she is in front of me, I am late, and I can't get around. I hate being in the left lane, stuck behind a fucking minivan...

PS. now I hate old people too...

The Weekend, and how it got ugly...

Man, I love weekends... Not that I do much during the week... but the weekends are a way for me to let loose, and this was just a trial weekend, as my best buddy is coming into the area for this weekend and the debauchary will start on Thursday!

I love golf... And this past weekend we had an amazing golf experience. I got to go with two of my best friends, and the fourth, was such a pain in the ass to get... we didn't even get one. But like 3 people backed out of the spot. Did they miss out. So Friend A, Friend AA, and me went to this golf course (Tennison Golf), that I didn't even know existed, and it is 5 minutes away from my house, after I was used to driving like over an hour to go play golf... treasure find!

So we play early enough that the summer heat doesn't kill us, 9am. This way we are done by 1pm, ish... Golf was a blast, we had a contest of who couldn't say one of our other friends names, I got second place, naming that individual like 5 times, mostly using the word "Hate" in front of his name, with my other friend losing saying his name 7 times, (again, usually with "hate" in front of it), not that we actually hate him...

We drank, we partaked in other extra curricular activities, we drank more... Nice course, good friends, good extra curriculars, i actually didn't play all that bad...

Then, after we left the golf course, me and one of my friends went to Hooter's for some wings, beer, fried pickles, and more beer... I love alcohol...

We talked with our subpar waitress, no boobies, no personality, not even good looking... (C'mon Hooters, step it up with the hiring's, you used to have standards). But then we went back to my house and drank shots of Tequila, finishing the bottle, and shots of Jack... Let's just say that I am sorry to my parents as i did not make it out there. I passed out around 5pm, and missed like 20 calls, and didn't make it out to see my dad...

Speaking of, I am still sleepy, goodnight, and wait until the next debauchery story... there will be notes, a rough draft, timeline, and more debauchary...

Coming soon: The Stripper that thought my buddy was an actor... why... because that is what we said....

HALO 2 Haiku's!

I wonder if anyone else is addicted to the freaking XBOX game, HALO 2. I know that I, and a couple of my friends are, but man, I can not stop playing this game. I even go home during lunch and play it. It is so freaking awesome!

Once it was a game
Addicted I think I am
Halo 2, I hate!!!

I Got the Rockets
I know this level well enough
YES!!!! KILLTACULAR!!!!!!

This is a new map
Where did the bomb go... oh shit...
It is at our base!!!

Just A Few Haiku's That I Have Written... DON'T STEAL MY SHIT!

Foes are everywhere
Threatening to destroy me
Must dispatch ninjas!

I grasp for Blue sky
With open palm I reach out
There are no clouds now.

That's far as ever
More than ever has been done
What? Fuck this haiku!

Long ago I was
And now it seems I'm not
Thoughts provide the pain.

In the icy Dawn
The Sun has yet to appear
My night is now over.